Apparently, I wasn't alone. My mothers of twins listserv has been posting volumes about it since the article came out last week. And no one seems really happy about it.
The main thing that really bothered me about the article is that someday her kids might read this article and in the meantime they must FEEL all of that negative energy from her. How will they react when they see that she equated having them to getting bubonic plague? A proverbial pox on her life? That she wished one of them had died? Which begs the question of which one is that? The one who she now labels as "the troublemaker"? Unfathomable! Yikes! Her poor kids!
During all of the crazy things that happened while I was trying to have Sophia and Ethan and now that they're here, I've found the best way for me to cope is to try my best to put a positive spin on things. In that spirit, this awful article did help me to reaffirm how strong and good my own feelings are about being a mom. From the moment I found out I was carrying twins I loved and wanted them both. They are my greatest joys. It would be untrue to say that I don't ever wonder what life would be like with just one baby, or wonder what it might have been like to have a less complicated pregnancy, but I also wonder what being an olympic athlete or surgeon might be like... Doesn't keep me up nights - I'm glad about my choices. Every day I am so, so, so thankful for my reality - I am so lucky to stay home with my two happy, healthy babies, lucky to have such a strong marriage (and wonderful partner!), and lucky to live the life that I do. I wouldn't trade it in or change it for anything.
A few excerpts from postings that I liked from moms of twins who are much more articulate than me are below.
One of my favorite responses is this one from Jane Roper's Blog.
Another favorite response from Jenn:
Wow, I hope no expectant moms of twins reads that! Talk about negativity-wow! Sure we all have bad days but thank goodness, it's not every day... I've read the article twice and I'm still not sure what the point was. I do feel really bad for the author though not because she has twins, but for the fact that she must really be lacking some support to feel so negatively. Sad, really :(Rachel B. rocks:
I was horrified by the article primarily for one reason, which is that the author seems to be advocating for more restricted infertility coverage. We are VERY lucky to live in MA, which has the best infertility laws and coverage in the country and it pains me to see a woman speaking out against this wonderful progress. I'm hoping that our society will evolve and that all 49 other states will adopt such appropriate coverage for infertility. The author clearly doesn't understand the pain women/couples go through during infertility and the miracle that fertility treatments can bring.
I moved to MA just under a year ago and am now 7 months pregnant with twins, which quite possibly may not have happened if we lived in another state. I know about 20 women in Boston and throughout the country struggling with infertility in one way or another who would be infuriated, to be gentle, to hear this woman is suggesting limiting a woman's access to fertility coverage.
From an economic perspective, I don't think society should rationalize that $12,000 is an exorbitant expense for a treatment (IVF) when it can create one or two lives with life expectancies of approximately 80 years each. Insurance carriers currently cover cancer treatments in the order of hundreds of thousands of dollars for people with the possibility of 5 to 10 years life expectancy or even less.
From a health perspective, there is no question that there are risks to prematurity. However, any mother who has been through fertility treatments is likely going to ensure that she takes the best care possible during her pregnancy to prolong the pregnancy as long as possible. Perhaps, the author's energy might be better spent solving the poverty/drug crisis in this country that no doubt results in a larger population of prematurity and birth defects due to mothers' deleterious habits than the mothers of twins population.
From a societal perspective, the author seems to be struggling with her inability to "have it all" since her twins have arrived. I would argue that this lady would have just as much trouble working in her magazine editor job with two singletons as she might with her twins. It is the reality of raising children that holding a demanding, time consuming job may be too stressful for some women given the demands waiting at home. While she seems happy to blame her twins for the demise of her career, I think she'd do better by admitting that sometimes we just cannot "have it all." Myself and my closest friends (many of us with very successful business careers) were fortunate to be raised in an era where women could expect to have it all. However, we seem to all be realizing that "having it all" may not be manageable and tradeoffs must be made and accepted.
...and, finally, Kip's response which sums it up nicely...
I'll let y'all judge it for yourselves, but zoinks! I certainly feel
like I'm on a different twin planet.
1 comment:
Thank you for posting this article! I just read it and am speechless. I want to post a comment for her but don't even know where to begin!
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